i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
