After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
