just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
