it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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