90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she smelled like a LAN party
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
