in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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