just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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