forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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