remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
