i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
