Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
