so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
