everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
