so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
pray to the hookup gods
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
