Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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