you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
