I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
