I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
