piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
