I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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