it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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