that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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