I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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