We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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