Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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