I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Randomize
