Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
