I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
