There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
