Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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