party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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