i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
