Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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