I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
