I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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