You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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