he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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