His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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