Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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