I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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