singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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