I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
