you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
