dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
