onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
