Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
