Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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