just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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