the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
