I wish I could teleport
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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